I realize I have been posting more and more about religion lately, but there is a reason for this. As I become more confident in my non-theistic nature, more people try to “convert me” from my sinful, wicked ways.
I recently lost a friend of over 15 years because I would not “convert”. After asking me repeatedly to repent and “find Jesus”, he finally sent me a “Dear John” letter of sorts, explaining that he could no longer be my friend unless I change my “wicked ways”. I responded crisply that I don’t do drugs, am not an alcoholic, live in a house just as nice (probably nicer) than his, am happily married, and have the exact same education from the same college he does. To this, he had no response. I am sure he just read the email, shook his head sadly, and muttered to himself, “I hope God forgives her.”
I have always been a skeptic, but I grow weary of people trying to convince me that this is a bad thing. I believe that one of the most powerful gifts humans have is the ability to question everything and seek out a valid, logical conclusion to any questions that may arise. Religion has repeatedly failed my logic test, though I gave it many chances.
When I was a child, I would often get into arguments with my mother. When she finally grew exasperated when I kept asking her why she wanted me to do something, he curt response would be “because I told you to.” This is called circular reasoning. The definition of circular reasoning (or a circular argument) is “An argument that commits the logical fallacy of assuming what it is attempting to prove. “ Instead of offering evidence, such an argument simply asserts its conclusion in another form, hoping to invite the arguer to assume the argument is settled when, in fact, it isn’t. Below are some examples of circular arguments I have been forced to endure while discussing Christianity:
1) Question: “How can we be confident that the Bible is the true word of god, and that Christianity is the only true religion?” Answer: “Because God delivered the message, and God is a good and perfect God who would never lie or mislead.”
2) Question: “How can I have faith in something that presents no further evidence than a dusty book that contradicts itself at every turn and presents truths that have been solidly disproven by science?” Answer: “Questioning God represents a lack of faith, which will lead to an eternity of suffering in the fiery pits of hell.”
3) Question: “The Bible asserts that the earth is both flat and only 6,000 years old, though science has clearly asserted otherwise. How to you rectify this?” Answer: “Our God is a truthful God, and would never lie. Science is wrong.”
4) Question: “The Bible states that God is perfect and incapable of error, but in Genesis, he makes it clear that he realizes Adam is lonely after the fact, and corrects his mistake by creating Eve. Also, he claims that he is sorry for creating humans in the first place when he kills them all during the Great Flood. How do you reconcile this?” Answer: “We cannot always explain the ways of God, but God is a perfect and infallible God.”
5) Question: “Christianity seeks to convince that anyone who does not have god in his or her life is empty and lonely. I am not empty and lonely. Why is that?” Answer: “You will never find peace without God.” (But I just SAID I am at peace with my life!)
6) Question: “Whenever I have a problem, Christianity dictates that I should turn to god to have my problems resolved. Yet, everyday, children of good Christian parents are raped and killed on the streets. How can I trust god knowing this?’ Answer: “We can never truly understand the ways of God…we must just have faith.”
Though I listed #6 as an example of circular reasoning, Christians do have a point about one thing. I noticed that both of the people who interviewed me last week had crosses around their necks. They also publicly expressed their dismay for anyone who is not Christian on their Facebook pages. (I got bored and looked them up after my interview.) If I had worn a cross around my neck to the interview and had mentioned having unquestionable faith, I am sure that “God” would have granted me that WONDERFUL job instead of letting those fine folks send me a crappy rejection letter. So, Christians, you got me there!
Favorite Quotes:
“He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord. A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord. “ ~Deuteronomy 23:1
“Suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.” ~1 Timothy 2:12-15
“When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations . . . then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy.” ~ Deuteronomy 7:1-2
“Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up." ~Hosea 13:16 (What do all the anti-abortion peeps think about this one?)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
drug testing
I interviewed for a job today. I should feel pretty excited, considering this is the first job prospect I have had since I was laid off almost six months ago. The people who interviewed me seemed nice, honest, and…exhausted. I tried not to cringe when they mentioned that they had been forced to take a pay cuts along with being subjected to corporate furloughs. I am sure that the other employees are wondering “how can they afford to bring in new staff if they can’t pay us to work all of this overtime?” Alas, ‘tis the American way.
Speaking of another great American tradition, this company also engages in drug testing. Drug testing has always been a sore subject with me. Do I take illegal drugs? No. Do I take prescribed drugs that will show up as questionable medications on the drug panels? Yes.
Those who know me and my family also know that I have a long history with depression and anxiety disorders. Two immediate relatives have committed suicide in my lifetime…blame it on genetics. I know that when the benzos show up on the drug test, all I have to do is bring in the prescription bottle and explain why I take it. However, I don’t WANT to explain why I take it. It is embarrassing. It is PRIVATE. I am essentially apologizing for my problems, and I don’t want to feel that way. I want to start my career on the same footing as everyone else, because that should be the “American Way”.
I have also heard rumors that some companies sneak in a pregnancy test as well. I guess they may find some lingering HCG hormones from my recent miscarriage. I guess there are no secrets these days, are there?
Regardless, wish me luck on my possible new career. I may sound pessimistic, but I am really a golden ray of fucking sunshine on the inside.
Speaking of another great American tradition, this company also engages in drug testing. Drug testing has always been a sore subject with me. Do I take illegal drugs? No. Do I take prescribed drugs that will show up as questionable medications on the drug panels? Yes.
Those who know me and my family also know that I have a long history with depression and anxiety disorders. Two immediate relatives have committed suicide in my lifetime…blame it on genetics. I know that when the benzos show up on the drug test, all I have to do is bring in the prescription bottle and explain why I take it. However, I don’t WANT to explain why I take it. It is embarrassing. It is PRIVATE. I am essentially apologizing for my problems, and I don’t want to feel that way. I want to start my career on the same footing as everyone else, because that should be the “American Way”.
I have also heard rumors that some companies sneak in a pregnancy test as well. I guess they may find some lingering HCG hormones from my recent miscarriage. I guess there are no secrets these days, are there?
Regardless, wish me luck on my possible new career. I may sound pessimistic, but I am really a golden ray of fucking sunshine on the inside.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Almighty Wind
I have been doing lots of thinking about my relationship with religion, and I feel very delighted that I have managed a clean divorce from all things spiritual. I even Googled "God" and "Asshole" the other day, curious to see if God's almighty rampages led others to believe that he may not be the loving force everyone envisions him to be.
I ran across a site that begs the question, "If God really was created in man's image, does that mean God has an asshole? If so, what would its function be?"
I posted the below response.
Recently, a new generation of Biblical literature was discovered in the Middle East that easily rectifies any confusion about God's asshole, evolution, etc. The name of these scriptures is The Hyphocretes.
The Hyphocretes clarifies that the earth was created in 10 days, not seven.
"On the 8th day, God observed that he had only created one man and one woman, and they were lonely. For them to be fruitful and multiply, a more genetically diverse population would be required. Therefore, God tooketh a huge dump, and from his dump came forth Jadyn and Eva.
On the 9th day, God realized that Adam, Eve, Jadyn, and Eva were lonely, and all was not good. As an almighty deity who could never make mistakes, God was forced to act quickly. Therefore, from the anus of God came forth an Almighty Wind, and so were born Adam and Steve.
On the 10th day, God realized that Adam and Steve were drawneth to each other, and would not be fruitful and multiply. God sighed, looked the other way, and said 'I am going to take a nap'".
I ran across a site that begs the question, "If God really was created in man's image, does that mean God has an asshole? If so, what would its function be?"
I posted the below response.
Recently, a new generation of Biblical literature was discovered in the Middle East that easily rectifies any confusion about God's asshole, evolution, etc. The name of these scriptures is The Hyphocretes.
The Hyphocretes clarifies that the earth was created in 10 days, not seven.
"On the 8th day, God observed that he had only created one man and one woman, and they were lonely. For them to be fruitful and multiply, a more genetically diverse population would be required. Therefore, God tooketh a huge dump, and from his dump came forth Jadyn and Eva.
On the 9th day, God realized that Adam, Eve, Jadyn, and Eva were lonely, and all was not good. As an almighty deity who could never make mistakes, God was forced to act quickly. Therefore, from the anus of God came forth an Almighty Wind, and so were born Adam and Steve.
On the 10th day, God realized that Adam and Steve were drawneth to each other, and would not be fruitful and multiply. God sighed, looked the other way, and said 'I am going to take a nap'".
Fear Feb 24, 2009
Today...not a good day...
I let fear overcome me today. My life has been built on a solid platform of fear, and I need to figure out how to bust it all down. But to do so would require higher expectations out of life than I am willing to grant...life. I know this sounds nonsensical and depressing. Oh well.
Something scared me. This something led me to interrupt my normal working day and rush home. I might now be convinced now that there is something more to life than what I have ever believed; because my fear was focused on the wrong thing...One of my dogs had her leg mauled and would have died had I not showed up when I did. I don't want to elaborate because it is too terrible.
There goes my tax refund, but my family (human and 4-legged) is somewhat intact. Thank whatever for that.
My vet (and family friend) spoke of fear today. He basically said that all bad behavior (human and animal) stems from fear. It made me think of that Donnie Darko movie and the “Lifeline of Fear” or whatever. Even though it is laughable, maybe there is some relevance behind it? Maybe not. I am still scared.
I let fear overcome me today. My life has been built on a solid platform of fear, and I need to figure out how to bust it all down. But to do so would require higher expectations out of life than I am willing to grant...life. I know this sounds nonsensical and depressing. Oh well.
Something scared me. This something led me to interrupt my normal working day and rush home. I might now be convinced now that there is something more to life than what I have ever believed; because my fear was focused on the wrong thing...One of my dogs had her leg mauled and would have died had I not showed up when I did. I don't want to elaborate because it is too terrible.
There goes my tax refund, but my family (human and 4-legged) is somewhat intact. Thank whatever for that.
My vet (and family friend) spoke of fear today. He basically said that all bad behavior (human and animal) stems from fear. It made me think of that Donnie Darko movie and the “Lifeline of Fear” or whatever. Even though it is laughable, maybe there is some relevance behind it? Maybe not. I am still scared.
Tonsils are OUT! Jan 21, 2009
Tonsils are OUT! *warning...pics*
I finally got up the nerve to have those nasty, infectious sponges cut out of my throat on Tuesday. While I was warned that tonsillectomies are "extremely painful" for adults, that really hasn't been my experience so far. Maybe it is a self-fullfilling prophecy to get patients all hyped up over such a routine procudure?
I finally got up the nerve to have those nasty, infectious sponges cut out of my throat on Tuesday. While I was warned that tonsillectomies are "extremely painful" for adults, that really hasn't been my experience so far. Maybe it is a self-fullfilling prophecy to get patients all hyped up over such a routine procudure?
Anyway, I am REALLY looking forward to 2009 as an infection-free year. Maybe I can get in a solid year of running without getting sick? I am actually really excited!
For those of you that are weak-stomached, I apologize for posting this pic. I come from a medical family, and stuff like this is routine to us. Anyway, this a pic of me 24 hours post-surgery. The gray tissue is just from the skin being cauterized. I should be eating solids and back to running/biking within two or three days!
Blood Lilly Jan 07, 2009
Sunshine Lilly holds three roses
All beautiful
Though two have crumbled
One is wilted
Sunshine Lilly holds three roses
And speaks of glory
Speaks of salvation and recovery
The remainder speaks of nothing
Sad and wilted, sings a song
Sings of wolves
Hungry and waiting
Beautiful and grinning
The remainder speaks of knowing
Says that knowing is all we got
And I got plenty of knowing
I know the wolves are at my door.
All beautiful
Though two have crumbled
One is wilted
Sunshine Lilly holds three roses
And speaks of glory
Speaks of salvation and recovery
The remainder speaks of nothing
Sad and wilted, sings a song
Sings of wolves
Hungry and waiting
Beautiful and grinning
The remainder speaks of knowing
Says that knowing is all we got
And I got plenty of knowing
I know the wolves are at my door.
Fate Dec 14, 2008
We keep going back and forth.
Our son us amazing, we both had siblings, our families are so scattered...Do we, or don't we?....Fate decided Corbin. Corbin was the result of a miracle moment where semi-carelessness led to an unbelievable reality. In the true nature of my husband's cynicism, we may *or* may not conceive another wonderful son or daughter, but only semi-intentionally.........I am sure this blog makes little sense to most people, but I truly believe that all the fucked-up things that happened in my life led to this wonderful ending. Now that everything is so perfect...what do we do now? Can we get so lucky again? It is sad that so many horrible things have happened to James and I to make us so scared, but...........What shaped our reluctance? What formed our love? There are two opposing forces, writhing…fighting… Can we break free, and proceed?....
Our son us amazing, we both had siblings, our families are so scattered...Do we, or don't we?....Fate decided Corbin. Corbin was the result of a miracle moment where semi-carelessness led to an unbelievable reality. In the true nature of my husband's cynicism, we may *or* may not conceive another wonderful son or daughter, but only semi-intentionally.........I am sure this blog makes little sense to most people, but I truly believe that all the fucked-up things that happened in my life led to this wonderful ending. Now that everything is so perfect...what do we do now? Can we get so lucky again? It is sad that so many horrible things have happened to James and I to make us so scared, but...........What shaped our reluctance? What formed our love? There are two opposing forces, writhing…fighting… Can we break free, and proceed?....
Unbridled Flatulence Nov 17, 2008
See, I totally knew that would get you to read this post!
I am proud to announce that, after five years of trying, I am now officially a Road Warrior! I managed to finish the final half-marathon today after my whole weekend ordeal, and I only threw up once. My time was about 2 minutes slower than the last race, but I started out really slow and did negative splits the whole way, so at least I am happy about that. They haven't posted the official times yet, so I am waiting to find out how I placed overall. I just had to give myself some kudos.
Thanks for reading. :-)
I am proud to announce that, after five years of trying, I am now officially a Road Warrior! I managed to finish the final half-marathon today after my whole weekend ordeal, and I only threw up once. My time was about 2 minutes slower than the last race, but I started out really slow and did negative splits the whole way, so at least I am happy about that. They haven't posted the official times yet, so I am waiting to find out how I placed overall. I just had to give myself some kudos.
Thanks for reading. :-)
Again Oct 13, 2008
Corbin has...you guess it...come down with another bug. This one involves a whole lot of liquid poo and a fever. I had to use on of my few remaining off days to stay home with the little tot.
At least his sicknesses are much fewer and far between. I was honestly getting so discouraged when I first put him in daycare...he spent more time sick than he did "well". I still wonder to this day if my inablity to nurse him long-term is what caused this. Thank you, La Lache, for implanting so many lasting insecurities into my world of motherhood.
At least his sicknesses are much fewer and far between. I was honestly getting so discouraged when I first put him in daycare...he spent more time sick than he did "well". I still wonder to this day if my inablity to nurse him long-term is what caused this. Thank you, La Lache, for implanting so many lasting insecurities into my world of motherhood.
Home... Oct 03, 2008
Driving home today, my mind was occupied...Will I get a raise in the next ten years? Will my credit card ever be paid off? What color will I die my hair next? What time will I make at my next race?
I turned left and headed down the main road that led to my house. I couldn't help but slow down when I saw a whole household worth of furniture parked on the sidewalk in front of one of the nicer houses in my neighborhood. Sitting in front of the pile? A man, in his thirties, well-dressed....reminded me of...who?
I ignored it. I moved on with my evening. Corbin and I played, James came home, and then I went for a planned five mile run...
At mile four, I was headed back towards my house. I was thinking only of how fast I was running. I was so proud that I had maintained an 8 minute pace the past two miles.
Then I passed the same house. The same furniture was there. The same man was there. Sitting near the same furniture. He was crying.
Is he still there?
Is he still there?
Is he still there?
I turned left and headed down the main road that led to my house. I couldn't help but slow down when I saw a whole household worth of furniture parked on the sidewalk in front of one of the nicer houses in my neighborhood. Sitting in front of the pile? A man, in his thirties, well-dressed....reminded me of...who?
I ignored it. I moved on with my evening. Corbin and I played, James came home, and then I went for a planned five mile run...
At mile four, I was headed back towards my house. I was thinking only of how fast I was running. I was so proud that I had maintained an 8 minute pace the past two miles.
Then I passed the same house. The same furniture was there. The same man was there. Sitting near the same furniture. He was crying.
Is he still there?
Is he still there?
Is he still there?
MelPirate May 16, 2008
Mel-o-Pirate is about to return to the world of the two-handed!
I am having surgery on June 5th to remove the plate and fixtures from my hand, and am having a "tenolysis" (I think I spelled that right) to remove scar tissue from four of my tendons. Apparently, this involves a bunch of incisions and a wire loop that is wrapped around each tendon and pulled upwards to scoop off adhesions. Yummy. Now, I will have four huge scars instead of one... just call me KrugerMel!
Joking aside, I am excited about the prospect of a full recover and being rid of this constant, nagging pain. I was warned that the procedure will be very painful, so be sure to call me that week of the 5th if you want to get your kicks from talking to an inebriated Melly!
Corbin is fine... recovering from yet another bad bug. He has developed so many new talents... He can now stack complex arrangements of toys, fit shapes together, organize oebjects by shapes and colors, etc. He claps loudly whenever he gets something "right", and scowls in frustration at a perceived "wrong". I am fascinated by his art of imitation; if you point at any part of your body, he will mimic exactly. Less exciting is his new found love for changing TV channels and reprogramming our remote. I guess it is just a symptom of having a genius child :-)
I hope all is well with everyone, and have a great weekend!
I am having surgery on June 5th to remove the plate and fixtures from my hand, and am having a "tenolysis" (I think I spelled that right) to remove scar tissue from four of my tendons. Apparently, this involves a bunch of incisions and a wire loop that is wrapped around each tendon and pulled upwards to scoop off adhesions. Yummy. Now, I will have four huge scars instead of one... just call me KrugerMel!
Joking aside, I am excited about the prospect of a full recover and being rid of this constant, nagging pain. I was warned that the procedure will be very painful, so be sure to call me that week of the 5th if you want to get your kicks from talking to an inebriated Melly!
Corbin is fine... recovering from yet another bad bug. He has developed so many new talents... He can now stack complex arrangements of toys, fit shapes together, organize oebjects by shapes and colors, etc. He claps loudly whenever he gets something "right", and scowls in frustration at a perceived "wrong". I am fascinated by his art of imitation; if you point at any part of your body, he will mimic exactly. Less exciting is his new found love for changing TV channels and reprogramming our remote. I guess it is just a symptom of having a genius child :-)
I hope all is well with everyone, and have a great weekend!
Corbin Apr 21, 2008
As soon as I think my bad luck is easing up, here we go again... Corbin's fever has just jumped to over 102, and I am hauling him in to the pediatrician at 3 PM.
I can no longer ignore how much time Corbin has spent being sick during the 13 months he has been with us. We have taken him to the pediatrician for 5 ear infections, 3 cases of the regular flu, four or five stomach flus, and at least a dozen colds. Both daycares we have placed him in have expressed their concern. Something is wrong.
I didn't drink or do drugs when I was pregnant. I took my prenatal vitamins. It wasn't my fault that I couldn't nurse him. I run 20 miles a week and my husband and I are both perfect examples of healthy, intelligent individuals. Corbin is exceptionally bright and active also; but, he is so damn sickly! What do I do?
I need something to go right for me.
I can no longer ignore how much time Corbin has spent being sick during the 13 months he has been with us. We have taken him to the pediatrician for 5 ear infections, 3 cases of the regular flu, four or five stomach flus, and at least a dozen colds. Both daycares we have placed him in have expressed their concern. Something is wrong.
I didn't drink or do drugs when I was pregnant. I took my prenatal vitamins. It wasn't my fault that I couldn't nurse him. I run 20 miles a week and my husband and I are both perfect examples of healthy, intelligent individuals. Corbin is exceptionally bright and active also; but, he is so damn sickly! What do I do?
I need something to go right for me.
Gimme a hand! ( A new one!) Apr 15, 2008
I have finally lost it with this damn hand. It has done nothing but cause me mental anguish and physical pain for the past three months. I have invested a total of $3000 dollars into getting it "fixed", and can still barely move it.
After waiting in the office for two fucking hours for my doctor to come see me, I finally lost it and just marched right out the door. I even threw the chart in the doctor's face as he watched me walk out (he was flirting with a receptionist instead of tending to patients.) I wonder if he is sad that he couldn't peddle more useless surgeries to me today.
My husband thinks I am crazy, but I want my hand amputated. (No, I am not drunk, and I am also not joking). The brace I wear every night hasn't allowed me decent night's sleep due to the pain it causes, and my useless, numb fingers do nothing but get in the way. My physical therapist warned that I might lose all use of my hand anyway, so why not just cut the damn thing off? Prosthetics are so high-tech these days... they actually have sensors that detect muscle and tendon motion in your arm and give you a semi-functional "hand". I am going to see a specialist next week to see if I can get the ball rolling in that direction.
Our maybe I should just get a hand-hook instead? What does everyone think? A hook would be kinda fun... It would eliminate the annual Halloween costume decision (Mel-o-Pirate!), and I will have a convenient place to hang my car keys. Dark alleys will no longer be haunted with the usual element of danger, for who would want to fuck with a six-foot-tall bitch with a hook?
I am so tired....
After waiting in the office for two fucking hours for my doctor to come see me, I finally lost it and just marched right out the door. I even threw the chart in the doctor's face as he watched me walk out (he was flirting with a receptionist instead of tending to patients.) I wonder if he is sad that he couldn't peddle more useless surgeries to me today.
My husband thinks I am crazy, but I want my hand amputated. (No, I am not drunk, and I am also not joking). The brace I wear every night hasn't allowed me decent night's sleep due to the pain it causes, and my useless, numb fingers do nothing but get in the way. My physical therapist warned that I might lose all use of my hand anyway, so why not just cut the damn thing off? Prosthetics are so high-tech these days... they actually have sensors that detect muscle and tendon motion in your arm and give you a semi-functional "hand". I am going to see a specialist next week to see if I can get the ball rolling in that direction.
Our maybe I should just get a hand-hook instead? What does everyone think? A hook would be kinda fun... It would eliminate the annual Halloween costume decision (Mel-o-Pirate!), and I will have a convenient place to hang my car keys. Dark alleys will no longer be haunted with the usual element of danger, for who would want to fuck with a six-foot-tall bitch with a hook?
I am so tired....
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Update Mar 02, 2008
I haven't posted in a while, so here goes....
Corbin is about to be a year old on the 5th! I can't believe it! As if on cue, he is suddenly starting to do all of the "toddler things"... pulling up, taking his first steps, using his first words in meaningful ways, etc. etc. It doesn't even feel real to me... Where did my little baby go? Though the passage of time makes me sad, I have grown to realize that being a parent is probably the best and most rewarding thing I have ever done in my thirty years of living. I couldn't be more blessed.
For the first time in several years, I can actually say positive things about my job... My coworkers are wonderful, and my boss is communicative and understanding. I know that no job is perfect, but I feel like the proverbial shoe is fitting. Also, I didn't get fired after having to take over a week off work for the Dog Incident. Few jobs would have been so understanding.
I had one of my "tornado dreams" last night. I dreamed that tornadoes were passing just north and south of my house, over and over, one after another. James and I sat there and watched them pass by outside of our windows, wondering when one was finally going to hit us. Once the skies had cleared, we stepped out of the house to survey the damage. We saw that one of our elderly neighbors had his house blown down completely, but he was still sitting in is chair in the middle of his demolished house, quietly rocking. For some reason I woke up feeling really sad and lonely.
What the hell did that mean? Why the hell am I so weird? LOL!
Corbin is about to be a year old on the 5th! I can't believe it! As if on cue, he is suddenly starting to do all of the "toddler things"... pulling up, taking his first steps, using his first words in meaningful ways, etc. etc. It doesn't even feel real to me... Where did my little baby go? Though the passage of time makes me sad, I have grown to realize that being a parent is probably the best and most rewarding thing I have ever done in my thirty years of living. I couldn't be more blessed.
For the first time in several years, I can actually say positive things about my job... My coworkers are wonderful, and my boss is communicative and understanding. I know that no job is perfect, but I feel like the proverbial shoe is fitting. Also, I didn't get fired after having to take over a week off work for the Dog Incident. Few jobs would have been so understanding.
I had one of my "tornado dreams" last night. I dreamed that tornadoes were passing just north and south of my house, over and over, one after another. James and I sat there and watched them pass by outside of our windows, wondering when one was finally going to hit us. Once the skies had cleared, we stepped out of the house to survey the damage. We saw that one of our elderly neighbors had his house blown down completely, but he was still sitting in is chair in the middle of his demolished house, quietly rocking. For some reason I woke up feeling really sad and lonely.
What the hell did that mean? Why the hell am I so weird? LOL!
Melbot's latest adventure Jan 26, 2008
This post is going to take me a while, as I am now restricted to typing with one hand.
I broke my hand tring to break up a dogfight Wed. night. James and I both had noticed that Kali (his 13 year-old doberman) had been acting aggressive lately, but neither one of us anticipated this. When she unexpectedly jumped my dog and went for her throat, I responded the only way that seemed natural. She clung to my poor hand for at least half a minute before I was able to kick and punch her off.
Kali is in doggie heaven now. It was James' choice, not mine. It was prob the right choice to make, considering the baby. I am having a steel plate with seven screws put in on 2/6/08. I am really nervous. I wonder how much this is going to affect work?
I broke my hand tring to break up a dogfight Wed. night. James and I both had noticed that Kali (his 13 year-old doberman) had been acting aggressive lately, but neither one of us anticipated this. When she unexpectedly jumped my dog and went for her throat, I responded the only way that seemed natural. She clung to my poor hand for at least half a minute before I was able to kick and punch her off.
Kali is in doggie heaven now. It was James' choice, not mine. It was prob the right choice to make, considering the baby. I am having a steel plate with seven screws put in on 2/6/08. I am really nervous. I wonder how much this is going to affect work?
Everyone's gotta brag sometimes Jan 18, 2008
OK, I am really getting better at this running thing. I'm not great, by any means- BUT, I am setting my own personal records this year after about 4 years of aggressive running.
I placed 4th in my age group in the 1st winter series. Again, nothing to go crazy about... But it is so much better than anything I have ever done!!!! I think the responsibility and structure of marriage and parenthood had made me a much more focused person, and I suddenly seem to be exceeding all of my personal expectations. Now, if I can only meet everyone ELSE'S expectations, my life will be in order. Just kidding.
Thanks for tolerating my bragging.
I placed 4th in my age group in the 1st winter series. Again, nothing to go crazy about... But it is so much better than anything I have ever done!!!! I think the responsibility and structure of marriage and parenthood had made me a much more focused person, and I suddenly seem to be exceeding all of my personal expectations. Now, if I can only meet everyone ELSE'S expectations, my life will be in order. Just kidding.
Thanks for tolerating my bragging.
Tomorrow Nov 25, 2007
I start my new job tomorrow, and I am coming down with the flu.
This is so terrible. I hope I don't make a bad impression. Better yet, I hope they just send me home and tell me to come back in a week.
Corbin has been terribly sick all weekend, too. He had his flu shots, so I guess it is something else. James has already called in sick so he can take care of the little niblet. Otherwise, he is doing great! Crawling, getting into everything, and removing his own poopy diapers and smearing them all over the floor.
All joking aside, motherhood is grand, and he is beyond amazing!I am very thankful to have a job, though, and I want to make this work. Positive Mel is on the rebound. Wish me luck!
This is so terrible. I hope I don't make a bad impression. Better yet, I hope they just send me home and tell me to come back in a week.
Corbin has been terribly sick all weekend, too. He had his flu shots, so I guess it is something else. James has already called in sick so he can take care of the little niblet. Otherwise, he is doing great! Crawling, getting into everything, and removing his own poopy diapers and smearing them all over the floor.
All joking aside, motherhood is grand, and he is beyond amazing!I am very thankful to have a job, though, and I want to make this work. Positive Mel is on the rebound. Wish me luck!
30 Oct 26, 2007
Tonight is my last night of being 29.
James said, "Don't be fatalistic. It is not your last day of being young. It is your first day of being old...for the rest of your life!"
What a bastard. :-)
James said, "Don't be fatalistic. It is not your last day of being young. It is your first day of being old...for the rest of your life!"
What a bastard. :-)
It's not too late! Oct 04, 2007
I have never been more serious about any election than I am about this one. Maybe it's because I am a mother now, and the problems in this city no longer affect just me. Regardless, if you haven't voted yet, you still have a few hours! If you are on the fence about who to pick, vote for Morris! I think he has the most solid strategy and best chance of winning over King Willie.
People, Willie has got to go. We cannot continue to be the 1 crime city. I am scared to go jogging at night. Let's join together and get him out!
People, Willie has got to go. We cannot continue to be the 1 crime city. I am scared to go jogging at night. Let's join together and get him out!
Private Post (now public) July 30, 2007
I officially have some sort of postpartum anxeity thing going on, though I am sure you can probably already tell. I read through all of my blogs today, and realized that my writing has become increasingly more negative since I had Corbin. The truth is, my baby is wonderful, my life is wonderful, and my husband is the PERFECT man for me, so I officially realize that this is entirely hormonal.
I fainted twice this weekend from random anxiety attacks. Today, I was driving out to go take of the horses today, and suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. I was sure I was going to faint again. I was so panicked that I pulled over abruptly in the middle of the road and hit the curb. My heart was pounding so hard you could see my T-shirt throbbing over my chest. I know this isn't me...While I have always been a little erratic from time to time, I am usually the risk-taker of the family and am notorious for having little fear of anything.
Once I get this taken care of, you guys can look forward to seeing HAPPY posts from Mel, and a HAPPY friend that will want to start hanging out again. Please wish me luck through this.
I fainted twice this weekend from random anxiety attacks. Today, I was driving out to go take of the horses today, and suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. I was sure I was going to faint again. I was so panicked that I pulled over abruptly in the middle of the road and hit the curb. My heart was pounding so hard you could see my T-shirt throbbing over my chest. I know this isn't me...While I have always been a little erratic from time to time, I am usually the risk-taker of the family and am notorious for having little fear of anything.
Once I get this taken care of, you guys can look forward to seeing HAPPY posts from Mel, and a HAPPY friend that will want to start hanging out again. Please wish me luck through this.
Corbin, MIL, and more July 29, 2007
I took Corbin in to the pediatrician on Thursday, and found out that he is in the 80th percentile for length and head circumference, and 70th in weight. (Tall and skinny). That's not even factoring in that he was born a few weeks early. The kid's gonna be huge!!!!! He is starting to sit up, rolling over both ways, and even trying to parrot some words (ineffectively). He is really something special. :-)
My MIL is in town today. She was only here for five minutes before she asked us for some food. I told her that all we had were some cans of soup and such, and she was all like "that won't do. Take me to the store and buy me some stuff." I guess she doesn't realize that we are FLAT BROKE. I don't know what to do with her right now.
Back to Corbs...I want to get some more pictures of him posted soon. I can't believe he got my eyes... I thought I would be the only person on earth to ever have such huge, funky eyeballs. You're welcome, Corbin!
My MIL is in town today. She was only here for five minutes before she asked us for some food. I told her that all we had were some cans of soup and such, and she was all like "that won't do. Take me to the store and buy me some stuff." I guess she doesn't realize that we are FLAT BROKE. I don't know what to do with her right now.
Back to Corbs...I want to get some more pictures of him posted soon. I can't believe he got my eyes... I thought I would be the only person on earth to ever have such huge, funky eyeballs. You're welcome, Corbin!
True Story... sad, yet strangely funny July 23, 2007
I had my "interview" today....
I was up all night worrying about it. I had already interpreted all of the warning signs that it may not be the type of position I was looking for, but I still felt obligated to show up and get a feel for the place.
I arrived twenty minutes early, and was stunned to discover an elaborate system of metal detectors and security guards waiting for me at the main entrance. I told them the name of the dude who I was interviewing with, and they acted annoyed that I had gotten there "early". "He's already in a meeting... You'll just have to wait." There were no seats, so I just stood there all uncomfortable-like.
Right about the time I was starting to think I should just bolt out the door and call it quits, my interviewer arrived. The guard-guy told me to go through the detector, and I did. It beeped. I continued walking, assuming he would tell me to stop at the other side, but he suddenly grabbed my purse out of my arm and, without warning, dumped the contents on the floor. Three tampons instantly rolled out... I had to chase one of them under the guard stand as my interviewer watched with a blank, absurdly bovine stare. I was beet red with embarrassment.
After the guard-guy realized I wasn't some Jihad-avenging assassin, he allowed me to follow Interview Guy through an elaborate maze of cubicles and then into the breakroom, where an assortment of suit-clad employees immediately scattered in fear when they realized "big-wig" was coming through with his next victim. After the breakroom, we turned right into his Mega-Plush office occupied with designer leather chairs and bronze-encrusted desk.
As soon as I settled into my oversized leather chair and looked into his eyes, something happened. My heart just stopped. He was the epitome of every freakish boss I had ever worked for. Designer suit.... $200 haircut... Legs propped on desk...Smirk on face. My heart began to race in dread. I began to sweat. His first question was..."So, you worked for AutoZone... You must have been proud to work for such a fine establishment!"
I passed out. Literally, I blacked out in my seat. When I came to, he was still sitting in the exact same pseudo-casual position, feet propped and everything. The smirk, at least, was gone.
I told him I had to go... I was sick. He called security on his phone so they could escort me out. He led me to the security gate, where they were waiting for me. I was about to throw up, and I knew it. After I passed through the gate, the guard GRABBED me by the arm and told me he had to inspect my purse. "It is policy, to make sure nothing was stolen. We do it to all of our employees".
"I am not your employee. I never will be", I said. He backed up a little and called for more security on his walky-talky thing. I gripped my purse tighter and walked even faster towards the door. Security was coming. I paused to vomit as the heavy glass doors closed behind me. I could hear security rushing in to meet me. What were they going to do.. Arrest a visitor for not letting them inspect her purse AGAIN?
I ran to my car. I drove like crazy. I never looked back.
I was up all night worrying about it. I had already interpreted all of the warning signs that it may not be the type of position I was looking for, but I still felt obligated to show up and get a feel for the place.
I arrived twenty minutes early, and was stunned to discover an elaborate system of metal detectors and security guards waiting for me at the main entrance. I told them the name of the dude who I was interviewing with, and they acted annoyed that I had gotten there "early". "He's already in a meeting... You'll just have to wait." There were no seats, so I just stood there all uncomfortable-like.
Right about the time I was starting to think I should just bolt out the door and call it quits, my interviewer arrived. The guard-guy told me to go through the detector, and I did. It beeped. I continued walking, assuming he would tell me to stop at the other side, but he suddenly grabbed my purse out of my arm and, without warning, dumped the contents on the floor. Three tampons instantly rolled out... I had to chase one of them under the guard stand as my interviewer watched with a blank, absurdly bovine stare. I was beet red with embarrassment.
After the guard-guy realized I wasn't some Jihad-avenging assassin, he allowed me to follow Interview Guy through an elaborate maze of cubicles and then into the breakroom, where an assortment of suit-clad employees immediately scattered in fear when they realized "big-wig" was coming through with his next victim. After the breakroom, we turned right into his Mega-Plush office occupied with designer leather chairs and bronze-encrusted desk.
As soon as I settled into my oversized leather chair and looked into his eyes, something happened. My heart just stopped. He was the epitome of every freakish boss I had ever worked for. Designer suit.... $200 haircut... Legs propped on desk...Smirk on face. My heart began to race in dread. I began to sweat. His first question was..."So, you worked for AutoZone... You must have been proud to work for such a fine establishment!"
I passed out. Literally, I blacked out in my seat. When I came to, he was still sitting in the exact same pseudo-casual position, feet propped and everything. The smirk, at least, was gone.
I told him I had to go... I was sick. He called security on his phone so they could escort me out. He led me to the security gate, where they were waiting for me. I was about to throw up, and I knew it. After I passed through the gate, the guard GRABBED me by the arm and told me he had to inspect my purse. "It is policy, to make sure nothing was stolen. We do it to all of our employees".
"I am not your employee. I never will be", I said. He backed up a little and called for more security on his walky-talky thing. I gripped my purse tighter and walked even faster towards the door. Security was coming. I paused to vomit as the heavy glass doors closed behind me. I could hear security rushing in to meet me. What were they going to do.. Arrest a visitor for not letting them inspect her purse AGAIN?
I ran to my car. I drove like crazy. I never looked back.
A Whole Lotta Nothing July 19, 2007
Quick blog.... So far, it appears I am not going to lose my license. All of my tests have come back with normal brain activity (go ahead and laugh), and no recommendation has been made to diagnose me with a true seizure disorder. However, my regular doctor is so freaked out by the incident that he is now refusing to do a small outpatient procedure that HAS to be done unless I am admitted to a hospital and the whole thing is conducted under general anesthesia. YEAH! That is coming up three weeks from now. Wish me luck. :-(
Our new house is gorgeous. We are mostly unpacked, but tons of landscaping needs to be done. Our old house is rented; I pray to whatever god that our tenant doesn't get robbed the first week. He has a bunch of cats, so James and I keep making "Attack Cat" jokes... nevermind...Inside joke.
I am still crazy, but I am hoping that will improve before my job interview this Monday. It actually sounds like a decent opportunity, so hopefully I can refrain from cursing, farting, or other obscene acts for at least one hour. Again... wish me luck!
Our new house is gorgeous. We are mostly unpacked, but tons of landscaping needs to be done. Our old house is rented; I pray to whatever god that our tenant doesn't get robbed the first week. He has a bunch of cats, so James and I keep making "Attack Cat" jokes... nevermind...Inside joke.
I am still crazy, but I am hoping that will improve before my job interview this Monday. It actually sounds like a decent opportunity, so hopefully I can refrain from cursing, farting, or other obscene acts for at least one hour. Again... wish me luck!
Diagnosis pending... July 07, 2007
I haven't had a chance to call everyone, but I had a grand mal seizure yesterday (coincidentally) during a routine doctor's visit. They rushed me off to Baptist in Collierville, and we at least know that I do not have a tumor. I go back next week to have an EEG and see if it is adult-onset epilepsy.
Booh. This means I will probably lose my license. This also means that I have to give up running, socializing, holding my own child, having the occasional drink, bathing, and swimming. Getting a job is out of the question. Life is good!
Booh. This means I will probably lose my license. This also means that I have to give up running, socializing, holding my own child, having the occasional drink, bathing, and swimming. Getting a job is out of the question. Life is good!
Very Bad Things July 1, 2007
James got robbed at gunpoint while doing work on our old house early this week. He's lucky to be alive; the guy tried to force J in his car after he took his wallet, and he was smart enough to run and hide in a ditch while calling 911. I'm glad I'm not a 29 year-old widow.
Memphis is my hometown, and has so much to offer. I hate that I am slowly watching it turn into a ghetto dump. King Willie's got to go!
Memphis is my hometown, and has so much to offer. I hate that I am slowly watching it turn into a ghetto dump. King Willie's got to go!
More Mel Silliness June 07, 2007
James asked me last night how many jobs I had applied for in the past month. My answer? Zero.
I have instituted the below guidelines, which are designed to screen out crappy potential employers as I thumb through the help wanted ads. So far, no jobs are passing the test.
1.) Ads that use certain buzzwords will be ignored. These buzzwords include, but are not limited to, "team player", "results-oriented", "career-minded", and my absolute favorite... "core competencies". I mean, c'mon! Any schmuck that says "core competencies" instead of "qualifications" or "abilities" is the same kind of schmuck that will spent 15 hours of his week reading logs of employee emails, internet use, and time card activities in an effort to catch his employees doing something naughty. This same boss will be so overwhelmed with his detective work that he won't have time to pursue employee's suggestions on how to make the department run more smoothly. He probably won't even have time to notice that his employees don't have enough work to do, or recognize the good work that is being done.
2.) Any ad that makes a statement along these lines. "We offer a competitive pay structure and benefits. Please send resume along with previous salary history to $%^^@schmuckmail.com. Emails without salary history will not be considered." Isn't that the same as saying "we offer competitive salary and benefits, but only when we are dealing with potential employees that were severely underpaid at their last job?"
3.) Any ad that says "must be available to work overtime, be on call, etc. etc." It seems to me that the majority of ads that mention this represent companies that don't want to hire happy, emotionally healthy people with families and personal lives of their own. During the only interview I have had since I had Corbin, the woman who was interviewing me immediately furrowed her brow when I told her I had an infant son. "Will you be able to work overtime?" she asked. "Only when given proper notice, and only when it is necessary. I don't believe in working extra hours just to make an impression", I responded. Bitch pissed me off.
Is it possible that I am just too smart to work in corporate America? It amazes me how many people don't see through all of the games, lies, and deception that go along with big business. I am saddened about how many people suffer from depression and chronic feelings of inadequacy due to the constant nitpicking and manipulation they are subjected to by their employers. I think I am about ready to go back to school and get a real degree...maybe in nursing? If I am going to be dealing with crap and assholes all day, I want to at least be able to acknowledge that this is what I am being paid for.
OK, enough ranting. I need to get back to Corbin... I passed my cold to him. Poor little stinker has a fever of 100, and hasn't stopped crying for like two days. It seems like the only thing that pediatricians can offer newborns is tylenol. Poor baby. :-(
I have instituted the below guidelines, which are designed to screen out crappy potential employers as I thumb through the help wanted ads. So far, no jobs are passing the test.
1.) Ads that use certain buzzwords will be ignored. These buzzwords include, but are not limited to, "team player", "results-oriented", "career-minded", and my absolute favorite... "core competencies". I mean, c'mon! Any schmuck that says "core competencies" instead of "qualifications" or "abilities" is the same kind of schmuck that will spent 15 hours of his week reading logs of employee emails, internet use, and time card activities in an effort to catch his employees doing something naughty. This same boss will be so overwhelmed with his detective work that he won't have time to pursue employee's suggestions on how to make the department run more smoothly. He probably won't even have time to notice that his employees don't have enough work to do, or recognize the good work that is being done.
2.) Any ad that makes a statement along these lines. "We offer a competitive pay structure and benefits. Please send resume along with previous salary history to $%^^@schmuckmail.com. Emails without salary history will not be considered." Isn't that the same as saying "we offer competitive salary and benefits, but only when we are dealing with potential employees that were severely underpaid at their last job?"
3.) Any ad that says "must be available to work overtime, be on call, etc. etc." It seems to me that the majority of ads that mention this represent companies that don't want to hire happy, emotionally healthy people with families and personal lives of their own. During the only interview I have had since I had Corbin, the woman who was interviewing me immediately furrowed her brow when I told her I had an infant son. "Will you be able to work overtime?" she asked. "Only when given proper notice, and only when it is necessary. I don't believe in working extra hours just to make an impression", I responded. Bitch pissed me off.
Is it possible that I am just too smart to work in corporate America? It amazes me how many people don't see through all of the games, lies, and deception that go along with big business. I am saddened about how many people suffer from depression and chronic feelings of inadequacy due to the constant nitpicking and manipulation they are subjected to by their employers. I think I am about ready to go back to school and get a real degree...maybe in nursing? If I am going to be dealing with crap and assholes all day, I want to at least be able to acknowledge that this is what I am being paid for.
OK, enough ranting. I need to get back to Corbin... I passed my cold to him. Poor little stinker has a fever of 100, and hasn't stopped crying for like two days. It seems like the only thing that pediatricians can offer newborns is tylenol. Poor baby. :-(
Eli Paul Smith May 31, 2007
I am an Auntie!
Elijah Paul Smith was born today by C-Section. He weighed a whopping 8 lbs 8 oz...He's gorgeous! Our family keeps getting bigger and bigger!
Elijah Paul Smith was born today by C-Section. He weighed a whopping 8 lbs 8 oz...He's gorgeous! Our family keeps getting bigger and bigger!
Corporate Excellence May 29, 2007
During a phone interview I had today, I was actually asked how I would define the term "Corporate Excellence".
I thought to myself..."If I were to kill myself now, I would never have to answer such a stupid fucking question again." But then, I thought..."If I kill myself, who will take care of my son?"
So the new question is...How does one kill oneself, and still ensure the well-being of his or her offspring? Is there some government grant out there set aside just for the living family members of a suicide victim? But then again, I am sure the financial analysts that run and streamline the "Suicide Suvivors Program" would be too overwhelmed with coining cutesy terms like "Corporate Excellence" and "Maximum Efficiency" to actually have time to disburse the funds.
I am really depressed. I need help.
I thought to myself..."If I were to kill myself now, I would never have to answer such a stupid fucking question again." But then, I thought..."If I kill myself, who will take care of my son?"
So the new question is...How does one kill oneself, and still ensure the well-being of his or her offspring? Is there some government grant out there set aside just for the living family members of a suicide victim? But then again, I am sure the financial analysts that run and streamline the "Suicide Suvivors Program" would be too overwhelmed with coining cutesy terms like "Corporate Excellence" and "Maximum Efficiency" to actually have time to disburse the funds.
I am really depressed. I need help.
Corbin Avery Dodd Mar 07, 2007
Corbin decided to meet us two or weeks earlier than expected. He was born 3-5-07 at 11:51 PM... 7 lbs 4 oz (at three weeks early!!!) He arrived in perfect health. Post more later
Weekly update Feb 28, 2007
So few people read this blog now, that there is probably no point in posting... BUT... I am now between 1.5 and 2 cm, and 40% effaced. Doctor said Corbin probably won't come for a couple more weeks, which is GOOD, considering my dear husband will be in Toronto on business for the next four days. ACCKKK!!!! Stay put, Corbie!!!! :-)
Shit Feb 21, 2007
I just got back from my doctor's appointment... I am 1 CM dilated and beginnnig to efface. Apparently, that doesn't mean a whole lot; Corbin could be coming next week, or in a month when he is due.
Regardless... shit!!!! The process has begun.
Regardless... shit!!!! The process has begun.
Hanover Dec 25, 2006
I had another dream about Hanover Cove the other night. Though I have dreamed about this place countless times in the past year, this particular dream was by far the most vivid and memorable.
Hanover cove exists in the waking world at the intersection of Chapman Ave. and Hanover. Chapman Ave. is, of course, the street that I grew up on as well as the focal point of all precious childhood memories and dreams. Hanover Cove is bordered to the north by about 30 acres of dark, undeveloped woods, and to the west by Bill Morris Parkway. When I was a young child, Bill Morris did not exist… instead, the cove was surrounded on three sides by seemingly endless acres of tangled trees and swamps. The relationship between the "dream cove" and "reality cove" is somewhat inverse and counter-intuitive. The once beautiful view has been scarred by sound barriers, traffic sounds, and trash over the years, yet becomes increasingly more exotic and resilient to development in my dreams. Each time I dream of it, some new element is introduced, be it a jagged, rapid river cutting through the west side in place of Bill Morris, mountains, or cliffs.
The other night, I dreamed I walked Gypsy over to Hanover, and there was a trail leading down the west end of the cove, deep into the woods. I followed it fearlessly as it twisted and snaked deeper into the unknown, until I finally stumbled upon one of the most beautiful houses I had ever seen. It was at least three stories, made of cobblestone and other natural materials, and the only access to it was the one narrow trail. I went inside, and was greeted by some faceless stranger who told me I could buy the house for almost nothing if I liked it. I walked up winding stairways and open balconies and ledges, and the house proved even more remarkable on the inside. It wasn't until I made it to the very top room of the house that I discovered the catch… An open coffin, complete with a partially decayed corpse, sat in full view. The nameless guy met me upstairs, and informed me that the house was mine, as long as I could tolerate the presence of the body. We closed the deal on the spot, and I sat in a chair next to the corpse, staring out a huge double-pane window into the beautiful, unknown wilderness that now belonged to me.
Though the dream should have freaked me out, it was actually very bittersweet…sad, yet beautiful. I woke feeling more alive than I had in months. What did it mean? I think, since I became pregnant, I have been trying to form a connection to my proverbial "inner child", and I believe Hanover Cove has proven the medium for the interaction. I know it sounds crazy, disconnected, whatever… But I seem to learn something about myself every time I have a dream about that place. I think this dream, on some arcane level, drew attention to what I have grown to hate most about myself – my decision to sacrifice sanity and happiness for the sake of perceived success and acceptance. In a sense, I feel like a part of me has died over the past few years, and I have severed the connection to the most viable part of my being in exchange for something material. I have been looking for excuses to go visit my mom's house lately, just to get closer to Hanover Cove. Every time I visit the place, I feel something deep and pointed move inside of me, and I am overcome with a feeling of vitality and purpose.
I took Gyspy for a walk through the remaining portion of the woods the other weekend, and absorbed the smells, sights, and sounds so reminiscent of a time in my life that was completely unclouded by adult concerns. Once I made it to the middle of the woods, I stood completely and utterly still for countless minutes, with one hand rested against my abdomen and the dog loping in slow, lazy circles around me. It was then that I closed my eyes and remembered how it felt just to be….
Hanover cove exists in the waking world at the intersection of Chapman Ave. and Hanover. Chapman Ave. is, of course, the street that I grew up on as well as the focal point of all precious childhood memories and dreams. Hanover Cove is bordered to the north by about 30 acres of dark, undeveloped woods, and to the west by Bill Morris Parkway. When I was a young child, Bill Morris did not exist… instead, the cove was surrounded on three sides by seemingly endless acres of tangled trees and swamps. The relationship between the "dream cove" and "reality cove" is somewhat inverse and counter-intuitive. The once beautiful view has been scarred by sound barriers, traffic sounds, and trash over the years, yet becomes increasingly more exotic and resilient to development in my dreams. Each time I dream of it, some new element is introduced, be it a jagged, rapid river cutting through the west side in place of Bill Morris, mountains, or cliffs.
The other night, I dreamed I walked Gypsy over to Hanover, and there was a trail leading down the west end of the cove, deep into the woods. I followed it fearlessly as it twisted and snaked deeper into the unknown, until I finally stumbled upon one of the most beautiful houses I had ever seen. It was at least three stories, made of cobblestone and other natural materials, and the only access to it was the one narrow trail. I went inside, and was greeted by some faceless stranger who told me I could buy the house for almost nothing if I liked it. I walked up winding stairways and open balconies and ledges, and the house proved even more remarkable on the inside. It wasn't until I made it to the very top room of the house that I discovered the catch… An open coffin, complete with a partially decayed corpse, sat in full view. The nameless guy met me upstairs, and informed me that the house was mine, as long as I could tolerate the presence of the body. We closed the deal on the spot, and I sat in a chair next to the corpse, staring out a huge double-pane window into the beautiful, unknown wilderness that now belonged to me.
Though the dream should have freaked me out, it was actually very bittersweet…sad, yet beautiful. I woke feeling more alive than I had in months. What did it mean? I think, since I became pregnant, I have been trying to form a connection to my proverbial "inner child", and I believe Hanover Cove has proven the medium for the interaction. I know it sounds crazy, disconnected, whatever… But I seem to learn something about myself every time I have a dream about that place. I think this dream, on some arcane level, drew attention to what I have grown to hate most about myself – my decision to sacrifice sanity and happiness for the sake of perceived success and acceptance. In a sense, I feel like a part of me has died over the past few years, and I have severed the connection to the most viable part of my being in exchange for something material. I have been looking for excuses to go visit my mom's house lately, just to get closer to Hanover Cove. Every time I visit the place, I feel something deep and pointed move inside of me, and I am overcome with a feeling of vitality and purpose.
I took Gyspy for a walk through the remaining portion of the woods the other weekend, and absorbed the smells, sights, and sounds so reminiscent of a time in my life that was completely unclouded by adult concerns. Once I made it to the middle of the woods, I stood completely and utterly still for countless minutes, with one hand rested against my abdomen and the dog loping in slow, lazy circles around me. It was then that I closed my eyes and remembered how it felt just to be….
Identities Nov 12, 2006
I thought I would take a reprieve from all of this craziness to post a brief update on my life. After all, writing is something I love to do, right?
Yesterday marked my first official day as Mrs. Dodd. Though I have always been somewhat impervious to change, this is one transition that has filled me with true joy and a sense of belonging. It really is amazing, and I was especially thrilled by how many people showed up on such a short-notice basis to wish us well. It reminded both James and I that our friends really do care about us, and we both have been guilty of neglecting them to a degree since we learned that Corbin would be joining us. That is a flaw in our lifestyle that needs to be changed. So, it with is the most sincere meaning that I say "thank you" to each and every one of you who made 11/11 a day to remember.
Now that the wedding is behind us, most of my focus is going to be preparing our house for Corbin. We still need to get the nursery furnished and the house baby-proofed, but I think we have made a decent start in the right direction. I keep getting so hung up in the craziness of all of it that I start becoming sort of stagnant in my planning. A good example is the other day, as I was pouring myself a bowl of "Kid tested, mother approved Kix cereal". As I began munching, I thought... Mother approved... OMG! I am about to be a mother myself... One that has to approve what kind of food my son will be eating, what kind of bed he'll be sleeping in, etc. etc. I almost broke down in tears under the emotional weight of that ridiculous enlightenment. It is one of the happiest kind of sadnesses you can ever experience - knowing that your life will be changed forever, but that the end result is another living unit who happens to look like you, maybe talk like you, and will always rely on you to find his way in life. I keep acknowledging this in little leaps and bounds, instead of gradually like I expected.
Sorry, I am rambling. I have nothing else to say except that I am in love, and I love all of my friends, and that I am really, truly happy. :-)
Yesterday marked my first official day as Mrs. Dodd. Though I have always been somewhat impervious to change, this is one transition that has filled me with true joy and a sense of belonging. It really is amazing, and I was especially thrilled by how many people showed up on such a short-notice basis to wish us well. It reminded both James and I that our friends really do care about us, and we both have been guilty of neglecting them to a degree since we learned that Corbin would be joining us. That is a flaw in our lifestyle that needs to be changed. So, it with is the most sincere meaning that I say "thank you" to each and every one of you who made 11/11 a day to remember.
Now that the wedding is behind us, most of my focus is going to be preparing our house for Corbin. We still need to get the nursery furnished and the house baby-proofed, but I think we have made a decent start in the right direction. I keep getting so hung up in the craziness of all of it that I start becoming sort of stagnant in my planning. A good example is the other day, as I was pouring myself a bowl of "Kid tested, mother approved Kix cereal". As I began munching, I thought... Mother approved... OMG! I am about to be a mother myself... One that has to approve what kind of food my son will be eating, what kind of bed he'll be sleeping in, etc. etc. I almost broke down in tears under the emotional weight of that ridiculous enlightenment. It is one of the happiest kind of sadnesses you can ever experience - knowing that your life will be changed forever, but that the end result is another living unit who happens to look like you, maybe talk like you, and will always rely on you to find his way in life. I keep acknowledging this in little leaps and bounds, instead of gradually like I expected.
Sorry, I am rambling. I have nothing else to say except that I am in love, and I love all of my friends, and that I am really, truly happy. :-)
33 Weeks and counting! July 31, 2006
So, I have decided to peek my head out of my shell and try this whole myspace thing just one more time. Round two shall be a bit different....
Today marks my seventh week of pregnancy. I found out last Saturday when I became seriously ill after running a race. Six tests, two doctors visits, and one ultrasound later, the reality has finally been branded in my brain... I AM HAVING A BABY. I am essentially and literally, a MOTHER.
I have been through all of the what if's, why didn't I's, and should've dones. It has been determined that the lack of prenatal care and occasional beers by the pool have posed very little risk to my unborn son, and I am counting my blessings. The nicotine gum has gone the way of the garbage, and the high octane beers in the fridge have been replaced with ODoul's. (Much tastier now than it was several years ago.) I am still running, but my rounding belly and torpedo-like boobs make are bringing me well below my previous grandmotherly pace. I now spend most of my time that I am not at work curled up on the couch with James or messing around with our house now. I don't even miss my old life.
So me... with a son. Though James and I are still debating, I am determined that his name will be be Skyler Travis Dodd. He will be tall like both of his parents, and will his daddy's hazel eyes. His life will be an interesting one.... He will begin sporting his Maddox-inspired mohawk as soon as his hair permits, but won't be allowed to die it purple until he is at least 4. Once he reaches elementary school, his ridiculously high I.Q. will be the only explanation offered to his highly erratic yet diplomatically executed tantrums.
Skyler will graduate at the top of his class at only 16 years old. Deciding to give his mind a rest, he will join a band called the Defective Contraceptives, and will unintentionally uphold Karma by keeping his still sexy and alluring mother awake all night while jamming with buddies in her garage. Simultaneously inspired and challanged after seeing an early 20's picture of his stunning maternal unit, he will feel compelled to outdo her in her youthful indulegences, and will have the first of many facial piercings at age 17. To keep his friends confused, he will periodically switch his nose and eyebrow rings from side to side, and will fiercly deny any changes when confronted. Of course, all piercings will be removed when Sklyer turns 18; that is when he begins lawschool at Yale.
All joking aside.... I am really, really excited. James is too. We are getting married next month, but the whole thing is going to be on the D.L. due to widely scattered family and lack of patience for such hoopla. Wish me luck... I'm nervous!.
Today marks my seventh week of pregnancy. I found out last Saturday when I became seriously ill after running a race. Six tests, two doctors visits, and one ultrasound later, the reality has finally been branded in my brain... I AM HAVING A BABY. I am essentially and literally, a MOTHER.
I have been through all of the what if's, why didn't I's, and should've dones. It has been determined that the lack of prenatal care and occasional beers by the pool have posed very little risk to my unborn son, and I am counting my blessings. The nicotine gum has gone the way of the garbage, and the high octane beers in the fridge have been replaced with ODoul's. (Much tastier now than it was several years ago.) I am still running, but my rounding belly and torpedo-like boobs make are bringing me well below my previous grandmotherly pace. I now spend most of my time that I am not at work curled up on the couch with James or messing around with our house now. I don't even miss my old life.
So me... with a son. Though James and I are still debating, I am determined that his name will be be Skyler Travis Dodd. He will be tall like both of his parents, and will his daddy's hazel eyes. His life will be an interesting one.... He will begin sporting his Maddox-inspired mohawk as soon as his hair permits, but won't be allowed to die it purple until he is at least 4. Once he reaches elementary school, his ridiculously high I.Q. will be the only explanation offered to his highly erratic yet diplomatically executed tantrums.
Skyler will graduate at the top of his class at only 16 years old. Deciding to give his mind a rest, he will join a band called the Defective Contraceptives, and will unintentionally uphold Karma by keeping his still sexy and alluring mother awake all night while jamming with buddies in her garage. Simultaneously inspired and challanged after seeing an early 20's picture of his stunning maternal unit, he will feel compelled to outdo her in her youthful indulegences, and will have the first of many facial piercings at age 17. To keep his friends confused, he will periodically switch his nose and eyebrow rings from side to side, and will fiercly deny any changes when confronted. Of course, all piercings will be removed when Sklyer turns 18; that is when he begins lawschool at Yale.
All joking aside.... I am really, really excited. James is too. We are getting married next month, but the whole thing is going to be on the D.L. due to widely scattered family and lack of patience for such hoopla. Wish me luck... I'm nervous!.
Wreck... June 17, 2006
James and I were in a wreck today. It was pretty bad. The woman who hit us tried to flee the scene, but a good samaritan followed her, got her tags, and called her in. She ended up getting her second DUI tonight. (only 22 years old!)
Anyway, his car is now all fuckered up, my knee is a little fuckered up, and my mood is REALLY fuckered up. I guess life can't be all good, can it?
Anyway, his car is now all fuckered up, my knee is a little fuckered up, and my mood is REALLY fuckered up. I guess life can't be all good, can it?
Mindless musings of an apathetic bitch May 30, 2006
As I sat, picking my nose while waiting impatiently at a crowded intersection, a thought occurred to me....
"God, I really am a true antisocial personality!"
What does it mean to be a non-conformist? A liberal? An activist? Why do I find myself so offended by perceived social injustices and the downslide of humanity, when my general perception of mankind is one of casual distaste? Why do I fight every tidbit of conventional wisdom that has ever been tossed my way? Why do I lack a basic self-consciousness and concern for appearances, when everyone else guards their image like a $100 bill on a windy day? And most importantly, why does my nose ring keep switching sides? When I woke up today, it was back on the left....
Then, I realized I don't even care enough about any of this to spend another second pondering it. The light turned green, I withdrew my finger from my nostril so I could flip off an elderly couple, and floored it.
"God, I really am a true antisocial personality!"
What does it mean to be a non-conformist? A liberal? An activist? Why do I find myself so offended by perceived social injustices and the downslide of humanity, when my general perception of mankind is one of casual distaste? Why do I fight every tidbit of conventional wisdom that has ever been tossed my way? Why do I lack a basic self-consciousness and concern for appearances, when everyone else guards their image like a $100 bill on a windy day? And most importantly, why does my nose ring keep switching sides? When I woke up today, it was back on the left....
Then, I realized I don't even care enough about any of this to spend another second pondering it. The light turned green, I withdrew my finger from my nostril so I could flip off an elderly couple, and floored it.
cambiar de tono May 28, 2006
He's asleep right now. I'm still here....
From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline
From the top, another downhill slope of mine
But I know, the equilibrium's there
From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline
From the top, another downhill slope of mine
But I know, the equilibrium's there
10,000 steps to nowhere May 03, 2006
I just cannot figure myself out sometimes.
Something prevents me from forming meaningful relationships with men. I guess that means Im at step one - admitting that I have a problem (assuming it is a problem?). Now to deal with steps 2 through 10,000.
So I go on a date with this very nice, financially secure, attractive guy last night. The conversation and wine were flowing, but I caught myself getting fidgety and distracted an hour into the date. I ended up bailing out about two hours into it.
I called up Matt to see what he was up to. "Oh, Im hanging out here at Celtic Crossing, just having a drink and hitting on chicks. Come on over." Off I go... As soon as I get there, You-Know-Who calls Matt, finds out that I am there, and shows up in a split second.
In he walks, so tall, mean, and sexy. I wanted to slap him and #$phim at the same time. We talked about the weather, his new kitten, and all of this meaningless garbage. I caught myself asking little personal questions just to see how many lies I could catch him in. (Two, that I know of). For the first time that evening, I wasn't bored.
Am I in love with him? No. Sometimes I wonder if I even like him. According to Matt, I am hung up on him, but that's not true either. I simply can't have him, and thats why I remain interested. His lack of concern for me is what makes me burn for him; I don't want that to change.
I went home a couple of hours later. Alone. I lay there in bed. Alone. I could have gone home with him like I used to, but I didn't. Kudos to me, I guess? As I waited for sleep to take over, I thought about things that are wrong with my life. Like, why am I not married? Why don't I have any stability? Why am I lying here in bed by myself? And I remind myself again...You are still only at step one.
Something prevents me from forming meaningful relationships with men. I guess that means Im at step one - admitting that I have a problem (assuming it is a problem?). Now to deal with steps 2 through 10,000.
So I go on a date with this very nice, financially secure, attractive guy last night. The conversation and wine were flowing, but I caught myself getting fidgety and distracted an hour into the date. I ended up bailing out about two hours into it.
I called up Matt to see what he was up to. "Oh, Im hanging out here at Celtic Crossing, just having a drink and hitting on chicks. Come on over." Off I go... As soon as I get there, You-Know-Who calls Matt, finds out that I am there, and shows up in a split second.
In he walks, so tall, mean, and sexy. I wanted to slap him and #$phim at the same time. We talked about the weather, his new kitten, and all of this meaningless garbage. I caught myself asking little personal questions just to see how many lies I could catch him in. (Two, that I know of). For the first time that evening, I wasn't bored.
Am I in love with him? No. Sometimes I wonder if I even like him. According to Matt, I am hung up on him, but that's not true either. I simply can't have him, and thats why I remain interested. His lack of concern for me is what makes me burn for him; I don't want that to change.
I went home a couple of hours later. Alone. I lay there in bed. Alone. I could have gone home with him like I used to, but I didn't. Kudos to me, I guess? As I waited for sleep to take over, I thought about things that are wrong with my life. Like, why am I not married? Why don't I have any stability? Why am I lying here in bed by myself? And I remind myself again...You are still only at step one.
tant de tristesse Apr 23, 2006
"What could you possibly mean?" he asked, to me.
As if he had never been called out before. As if no woman had ever wondered. I just called today, to say... What could I say?
When promises become lies, words become whispers. I have been whispering to him for a while about things, but all he hears are screams. So many people are deaf to the underlying themes planted in ordinary conversations. I am so tired of this - of being lonely.
I want someone to hear me.
As if he had never been called out before. As if no woman had ever wondered. I just called today, to say... What could I say?
When promises become lies, words become whispers. I have been whispering to him for a while about things, but all he hears are screams. So many people are deaf to the underlying themes planted in ordinary conversations. I am so tired of this - of being lonely.
I want someone to hear me.
Mary-Anne Lee March 31, 2006
"Mary," he began. "You are beautiful and complicated and everything a woman should ever be. You are also the sanest woman I have ever met."
Mary paused. Cautiously, she began... "Jonas, I am sorry to have let you down."
Mary paused. Cautiously, she began... "Jonas, I am sorry to have let you down."
Hope, excitement, and other forbidden pleasures.... March 27, 2006
I am happy today.
For the first time in my life, I don't feel a dark shadow of doubt lurking about, waiting to darken these positive feelings. I am content. I am feeling pleasure combined with a certain sense of upbeat expectancy. Everything is OK.
I really believe that it is possible for one to awake from a slumber of doubt into a reality of light and longing. It is simple as a certain self-induced mental tuning. One day recently, I learned how to be....
We are not a measurement of our failures and successes. We are not a product of all of our accomplishments. To succeed is simply to find a niche in this world in which we belong. It is this niche that will motivate us to reveal our inner light. I spent my life trying to modify my strengths and tune them into the mainstream frequency; I don't know why I let this happen.
Good things are happening. With every bad, there is a good. With the embracement of every good, there is the potential for a better. I am no longer afraid to anticipate the full potential that life holds....
And mainly, I have left the guilt of experiencing pleasure behind....
For the first time in my life, I don't feel a dark shadow of doubt lurking about, waiting to darken these positive feelings. I am content. I am feeling pleasure combined with a certain sense of upbeat expectancy. Everything is OK.
I really believe that it is possible for one to awake from a slumber of doubt into a reality of light and longing. It is simple as a certain self-induced mental tuning. One day recently, I learned how to be....
We are not a measurement of our failures and successes. We are not a product of all of our accomplishments. To succeed is simply to find a niche in this world in which we belong. It is this niche that will motivate us to reveal our inner light. I spent my life trying to modify my strengths and tune them into the mainstream frequency; I don't know why I let this happen.
Good things are happening. With every bad, there is a good. With the embracement of every good, there is the potential for a better. I am no longer afraid to anticipate the full potential that life holds....
And mainly, I have left the guilt of experiencing pleasure behind....
The Dead Letters - March 7, 2006
My father sent me a letter via certified mail the other day. It made me sad to think that people so close to me feel the way that do, regardless of whether or not they have spoken to me in the past five years....
"Dear Melanie,
I have been trying to reach you on your cell phone but got no answer. I talked with Jenna and am alarmed to hear about your verbal encounter at AutoZone with your boy friend and your breakup with him, of your losing your job at AutoZone, of your high energy and staying out late at night, irratability and of your living back at home.
As you know, you have bipolar disorder that runs in the family. Someone put you on Paxil which is a no no becaue it leads to hypomanic behavior as manifested above. The new treatment of bipolar disorder is to use Lamaetol plus or minus medicine such as Serequel, Geoden, or Abilify. As I have told you several times in the past, I'm very interested in your ability to take care of yourself and enjoy life. The way you are headed is to a phase of severe depression such as you had at age eleven, sixteen, and twenty-one. Severe depression can lead to death such as with Sharon's brother, Mike.
Please contact me at as soon as possible so that I can be your father and direct you to the appropriate treatment.
Call me at night or write me as soon as you digest what I am saying. We need a closer father/daughter relationship starting immediately.
Love,
Dad and Sandra"
Below is also an excerpt from one of the most painful emails I have ever written in my life.... I sent it just a few minutes ago.
"Of course, I realize I am preaching to the choir about this. However, my primary focus right now in life is, and should be, living independently. I realized about three weeks ago that I will not have anything substantial to offer a relationship until I began operating out of my own capacity. That is where I began backing off.... I am only a shadow... a mirage of what I used to be."
I feel so very empty right now.....
"Dear Melanie,
I have been trying to reach you on your cell phone but got no answer. I talked with Jenna and am alarmed to hear about your verbal encounter at AutoZone with your boy friend and your breakup with him, of your losing your job at AutoZone, of your high energy and staying out late at night, irratability and of your living back at home.
As you know, you have bipolar disorder that runs in the family. Someone put you on Paxil which is a no no becaue it leads to hypomanic behavior as manifested above. The new treatment of bipolar disorder is to use Lamaetol plus or minus medicine such as Serequel, Geoden, or Abilify. As I have told you several times in the past, I'm very interested in your ability to take care of yourself and enjoy life. The way you are headed is to a phase of severe depression such as you had at age eleven, sixteen, and twenty-one. Severe depression can lead to death such as with Sharon's brother, Mike.
Please contact me at as soon as possible so that I can be your father and direct you to the appropriate treatment.
Call me at night or write me as soon as you digest what I am saying. We need a closer father/daughter relationship starting immediately.
Love,
Dad and Sandra"
Below is also an excerpt from one of the most painful emails I have ever written in my life.... I sent it just a few minutes ago.
"Of course, I realize I am preaching to the choir about this. However, my primary focus right now in life is, and should be, living independently. I realized about three weeks ago that I will not have anything substantial to offer a relationship until I began operating out of my own capacity. That is where I began backing off.... I am only a shadow... a mirage of what I used to be."
I feel so very empty right now.....
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