precious memories

As my ten-year career in accounting and finance comes to a close, I would like to take this opportunity to lovingly reflect on many of the wonderful things that happened to me during this exciting time.


1. The last company I worked for assigned me to a boss in NYC. Since we couldn't communicate in person, he would call me several times a day about nothing. His opening line was always "Now remember, Melanie, that you work FOR ME!" During my last few weeks of working for him prior to being laid off, he asked me to start spying on my coworkers and collecting any information about them that could be deemed negative. The purpose was so that they could begin gaining ammo against them and fire them instead of laying them off. I refused. A pink slip followed shortly.

2. When I worked at Power and Tel, I became pregnant three months after getting hired. To add to the "scandal", the father (now my husband) was one of my coworkers. The day that we broke the news, a pamphlet about "the sins of premarital sex" was laid out openly for all to see in the break room. As my pregnancy progressed, my boss started complaining about the amount of time I spent in the bathroom. I thought everyone knew that pregnant women constantly pee, but my boss decided that I needed to keep a detailed spreadsheet of all of my "comings and goings". He literally wanted to know the number.

When I was seven months pregnant, I was assigned to warehouse work for the annual audit. My duties involved moving 100 lb boxes back and forth. When I complained to HR, they moved me to a desk job, but then punished me by writing me up later for eating food at my desk. Of course, eating food at one's desk wasn't even against the rules. I walked out of that job a few days later.

3. AutoZone...aww, how the memories of the wonderful gray cubicles and male-dominated management still grace my dreams! After a week of working there, I was pulled into a conference room by my first boss. He told me (in a stern, condescending voice) that he had been watching me performing the company cheer during the last conference call. For those of you who don't already know, AZ required their Autozoners to spell the name of their company...with their bodies. Anyway, he told me that my cheer was "lacking basic form and enthusiasm", and that I would not be getting any promotions or raises until I became more, well, cheerful.

AutoZone required their employees to dress up in the standard store dress every Monday. The uniform was comprised of black pants or skirts, "polishable black shoes", a black belt, and red or gray polo shirt, with various pins and flare on the right collar. We actually had to endure "uniform inspections" every Monday AM. During one of the inspections, I actually had my skirt measured with a ruler to make sure it wasn't too short.

One day, I was about ten minutes late getting back from lunch. I had gotten stuck in traffic. My second boss (I had several) sent me an email asking me where I was. The catch was, she had manipulated the time on her computer to make it look like she had sent it 20 minutes later, even though I was sitting at my desk when it was sent. I walked out of that job as well, and the whole department crumbled soon after. That boss was fired.

4. Fed Ex's Credit Union. There are too many stories to tell about this one, but I will start with the fact they paid me just over minimum wage to be their Staff Accountant. My boss quickly discovered I was an atheist after I started working for her, yet she would still ask me every Monday "how was church this weekend?" She also asked me to sign off on projects that I didn't have anything to do with during our annual audits.

Oh, corporate America, how I will miss you so!