I just cannot figure myself out sometimes.
Something prevents me from forming meaningful relationships with men. I guess that means Im at step one - admitting that I have a problem (assuming it is a problem?). Now to deal with steps 2 through 10,000.
So I go on a date with this very nice, financially secure, attractive guy last night. The conversation and wine were flowing, but I caught myself getting fidgety and distracted an hour into the date. I ended up bailing out about two hours into it.
I called up Matt to see what he was up to. "Oh, Im hanging out here at Celtic Crossing, just having a drink and hitting on chicks. Come on over." Off I go... As soon as I get there, You-Know-Who calls Matt, finds out that I am there, and shows up in a split second.
In he walks, so tall, mean, and sexy. I wanted to slap him and #$phim at the same time. We talked about the weather, his new kitten, and all of this meaningless garbage. I caught myself asking little personal questions just to see how many lies I could catch him in. (Two, that I know of). For the first time that evening, I wasn't bored.
Am I in love with him? No. Sometimes I wonder if I even like him. According to Matt, I am hung up on him, but that's not true either. I simply can't have him, and thats why I remain interested. His lack of concern for me is what makes me burn for him; I don't want that to change.
I went home a couple of hours later. Alone. I lay there in bed. Alone. I could have gone home with him like I used to, but I didn't. Kudos to me, I guess? As I waited for sleep to take over, I thought about things that are wrong with my life. Like, why am I not married? Why don't I have any stability? Why am I lying here in bed by myself? And I remind myself again...You are still only at step one.
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