True Story... sad, yet strangely funny July 23, 2007

I had my "interview" today....

I was up all night worrying about it. I had already interpreted all of the warning signs that it may not be the type of position I was looking for, but I still felt obligated to show up and get a feel for the place.

I arrived twenty minutes early, and was stunned to discover an elaborate system of metal detectors and security guards waiting for me at the main entrance. I told them the name of the dude who I was interviewing with, and they acted annoyed that I had gotten there "early". "He's already in a meeting... You'll just have to wait." There were no seats, so I just stood there all uncomfortable-like.

Right about the time I was starting to think I should just bolt out the door and call it quits, my interviewer arrived. The guard-guy told me to go through the detector, and I did. It beeped. I continued walking, assuming he would tell me to stop at the other side, but he suddenly grabbed my purse out of my arm and, without warning, dumped the contents on the floor. Three tampons instantly rolled out... I had to chase one of them under the guard stand as my interviewer watched with a blank, absurdly bovine stare. I was beet red with embarrassment.
After the guard-guy realized I wasn't some Jihad-avenging assassin, he allowed me to follow Interview Guy through an elaborate maze of cubicles and then into the breakroom, where an assortment of suit-clad employees immediately scattered in fear when they realized "big-wig" was coming through with his next victim. After the breakroom, we turned right into his Mega-Plush office occupied with designer leather chairs and bronze-encrusted desk.

As soon as I settled into my oversized leather chair and looked into his eyes, something happened. My heart just stopped. He was the epitome of every freakish boss I had ever worked for. Designer suit.... $200 haircut... Legs propped on desk...Smirk on face. My heart began to race in dread. I began to sweat. His first question was..."So, you worked for AutoZone... You must have been proud to work for such a fine establishment!"

I passed out. Literally, I blacked out in my seat. When I came to, he was still sitting in the exact same pseudo-casual position, feet propped and everything. The smirk, at least, was gone.
I told him I had to go... I was sick. He called security on his phone so they could escort me out. He led me to the security gate, where they were waiting for me. I was about to throw up, and I knew it. After I passed through the gate, the guard GRABBED me by the arm and told me he had to inspect my purse. "It is policy, to make sure nothing was stolen. We do it to all of our employees".

"I am not your employee. I never will be", I said. He backed up a little and called for more security on his walky-talky thing. I gripped my purse tighter and walked even faster towards the door. Security was coming. I paused to vomit as the heavy glass doors closed behind me. I could hear security rushing in to meet me. What were they going to do.. Arrest a visitor for not letting them inspect her purse AGAIN?

I ran to my car. I drove like crazy. I never looked back.