The Dead Letters - March 7, 2006

My father sent me a letter via certified mail the other day. It made me sad to think that people so close to me feel the way that do, regardless of whether or not they have spoken to me in the past five years....


"Dear Melanie,

I have been trying to reach you on your cell phone but got no answer. I talked with Jenna and am alarmed to hear about your verbal encounter at AutoZone with your boy friend and your breakup with him, of your losing your job at AutoZone, of your high energy and staying out late at night, irratability and of your living back at home.

As you know, you have bipolar disorder that runs in the family. Someone put you on Paxil which is a no no becaue it leads to hypomanic behavior as manifested above. The new treatment of bipolar disorder is to use Lamaetol plus or minus medicine such as Serequel, Geoden, or Abilify. As I have told you several times in the past, I'm very interested in your ability to take care of yourself and enjoy life. The way you are headed is to a phase of severe depression such as you had at age eleven, sixteen, and twenty-one. Severe depression can lead to death such as with Sharon's brother, Mike.

Please contact me at as soon as possible so that I can be your father and direct you to the appropriate treatment.

Call me at night or write me as soon as you digest what I am saying. We need a closer father/daughter relationship starting immediately.

Love,
Dad and Sandra"

Below is also an excerpt from one of the most painful emails I have ever written in my life.... I sent it just a few minutes ago.

"Of course, I realize I am preaching to the choir about this. However, my primary focus right now in life is, and should be, living independently. I realized about three weeks ago that I will not have anything substantial to offer a relationship until I began operating out of my own capacity. That is where I began backing off.... I am only a shadow... a mirage of what I used to be."

I feel so very empty right now.....